As Steph and Beau's wedding approaches we are trying to juggle getting all the things done for both the wedding and for moving prep.
i find that i am grieving more and more over some things.. like losing kyle last november. i keep having to remember that he isn't just out w/ friends, that he just hasn't arrived yet.. and when i see byron, oh man.. he looks so much like him these days, the way he moves, his frame, that guerra smile, the one you know means that they are up to something in their head. :) Man! i have to face this don't i? it seems too big for my heart. Just like facing the change of moving, obviously they are very different, but my jumbled heart feels it all at once in momentary distress. I'm terrified to move away. It is like having a constant dull pain in your chest. to cope i keep my emotions on low until i have an outburst of irrational and confused anger. Facing the magnitude of this change is terrifying, but good. but scary more than good at times, yikes. I'm afraid of losing things that make me feel safer here, having a great job, family close, knowing the city, knowing what to expect... i have no solid plans or safety nets out there, all i have is God, a husband (who is awesome and i am so blessed by in this process) and the martin's.. I have faith that i will be provided for, but it isn't a missions trip, this is my life! and what if? how? when? are all unanswerable at this time.. i know i know, as it should be.
gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith..
joelle-
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