Meeting Ralph

I just spent the last hour at the DMV and to prevent my lower half from falling further asleep, i got up and decided to wait in the back of the room.  after a few minutes an elderly man stood next to me papers in hand.

he wore a nice ironed shirt, but it seemed strange next to his unkempt white hair and wrinkled face. i asked him how long he’d been waiting and he said, only 15 min. i told him I'd been there a little over an hour and mentioned something about the system, the bureaucracy of it all..i found out his name was Ralph. Ralph seemed sad. he said “this whole country is going to crap.”

he seemed defeated. and just shook his head a lot when i asked him what he thought about all the stuff that is going on in WI - Ralph told me he has a great granddaughter who will be 10 months old this month and he wonders what kind of a world she will grow up in. what kind of America she will know. i asked him if he is a veteran and he said that he was 74 and in both Vietnam and Korea. He disproved of the cuts to veteran’s benefits . he also said that his niece’s boyfriend has been on so many tours she cant be around him because he has lost it. too much war- PTSD.  It seemed like he was worried for both her and his great granddaughter.

i told him I'm an optimist and i have been having trouble seeing the glass half full lately too.  

it seems so apparent in the dmv that we live in the confines of a government. with social security numbers and the lady who my dad says sounds like Logan's run saying, “ now serving D 3 6 7 at window number 5.” so it was strange to, well not so strange for me i guess, but the juxtaposition of such a great human interaction amidst this robotic, legal, systematic transaction that IS the DMV was beautiful. like a flower budding between concrete.

now that i am writing this i wish i had asked him what he thought should be different, better. how to get out of this mess? Ralph thank you for your insight and your stories. they need to be heard.

as i was leaving he smiled and waved and nodded his head as if to say thank you for listening, i enjoyed our talk. i hope i get to re-watch that conversation when i get to heaven save it for me ok God?

My Well of Grief

I don’t even allow myself to dream or imagine what my kids would really look like, or what it would be like to hold them, see them, name them, go through the whole thing, anymore. I try not to hold those images in my mind because I don’t have hope. ( I was thinking I don’t want to hope, but my fingers typed I don’t Have hope. Wow. ) I don’t Have … hope. Not for longer than a few seconds at a time.

I fill my life with other people’s children and then I don’t have room to dream about what my kids would or could be like. To be a mom would be a great test and challenge to rise up and meet everyday. I know it will be hard and exhausting. But I have spent my life preparing for that moment. For each stage of a child’s development. I have immersed myself in babysitting, childcare, to being a nanny just so that I can say that I know a lot about kids. I have loved other peoples kids so deeply.. And purely at that. But it just fans the flame of my grief sometimes. I know that other people have hope and even faith that I will be a mom someday. And that is comforting for a moment. But, while you are waiting for redemption or resolution that is not guaranteed to come, it makes you crazy. Pray for me. Pray for Peace. Patience. Hope. Faith. The foundational things that slip through my fingers in the night.

Now that I have some words to pin on my grief it is easier for me to process and re-process. This analogy still rings true.. My grief is like a well with in me that fills up and overflows every now and then. After that, I can cope for a little while. Sharing this with my husband has helped him understand why this issue can’t be dormant in me. Somehow he can choose not to think about things until he can do something about them. Our communication about Infertility has gotten much better after three and a half years. Sometimes I soak his shoulder with tears and he knows now that this is just what I have to do. I tried to hide my grief from him for a while because it hurt him when I brought it up. We are so different and our mix is as full of friction as it is harmony. He has faith. He is determined. And that gives me the most comfort. I can’t wait to see what our combination will create.

Thank you God for the things I’m learning through this wound.

Re-confirm in me the promises you’ve made to me.

My identity is not lost because I am not yet a mom.

Remind me of who I am.

Joelle-

p.s.

My identity is not all wrapped up in being a mom and I know it.. there is more to me.

Joelle's blog takeover

so i've decided to take over this blog because, i want one, and this one is connected to my email, and i was the creator and only one who actually wrote on here anyway. (run on sentences, gotta love 'em!)

it is rainy out today and the sun has taken a break. which is nice considering the need for sunscreen the past few days.

more to come, just putting this out there-

Wait -til you hear this!

Hello! We made it! Let me tell you how..

So- we had a great load-in of the 26' yellow Penske truck on Wed. It only took us a few hours to load thanks to all the help we had. THANKS HELPERS! We left Madison at about 1pm (central, we are eastern now..) with dad in the truck leading tom and I in our sentra, and the martins in the thunderbird. Our backseat was filled with the tv, while the martins had our cat Kevin and their dog Kirby with them.

Day 1 on the road to New Haven:

We got to Chicago, and got a little lost on its South side...then we kinda lost each other for a while.. right as we are about to get back on the highway we finally got ahold of dad and told him we lost Steph and Beau and that we need to pull over. THEN, right s we pull into an abandoned lot, Tom gets a call from Steph that the front right tire is flat on the thunderbird, and Beau is putting on the spare. She says it should only take 10 minutes to change. Which I was amazed at how fast you can change a tire.. so they finally meet us in the lot and we see the spare is flat too! LUCKILY! we have two Snow tires for the thunderbird in the truck! (thanks Steve and Debbie) Whew! Close call, huh? Because of the delay, we arrived in Cleavland, OH later than we'd hoped.... around 2amish? I can't remember. (I'd ask Tom, but he is sleeping in for the first time since before Cousins' Camp last weekend. Man! it's been a tiring week of fullness! its 12:20 and he's snoozing away..:P )

Day 2-

Todd and Laurel Berger were kind enough to let us crash at their beautiful house even though they were on vacation. We all slept really well. Thanks Bergers! Woke up around 8:30ish to go to Doc and Anne's (pronounced aaaahhn. she is beautiful and french) for a lovely brunch of pancakes Doc had made with very tiny grains, and fruit and bacon and eggs mm the whole thing! it was so homey and nice to have time with them sandwiched between two long car rides. They have a beautiful baby boy who is 3months old. When he smiles his whole face lights up and you can see his gums.. man that boy has a great smile! getting to hold him was baby comfort therapy for me. Thanks Harills!

On the road again.. Pennsylvania is a wide state. It's green and plush with trees, and the deep river canyons that are a little scary to look down when you are riding in the truck. You could definitely tell the difference of people when you hit Jersey.. road warriors in PA are much different than NJ. It's a lot like going from Amish country to attitude city. :) ha! in NJ it is against the law to pump your own gas.. who knows why- but they have a guy, rain or shine, come pump it for you and you are to tip him.. Ha! quirky things like that are so funny to me. Ordering TBell was funny too.. they take their time and make you feel like you're inconveniencing them with your side order of guac. ha! i thought that was only in the movies!! wow.

Finally in Connecticut!! But it is Raining. On the Highway it felt like a continuous ocean wave! We were sliding and fighting to see in the last few moments of getting to wherever we were going.

Because of the rain and the lack of transition communiction, i was trying to hold it together and losing. New place, no goodbye to dad who was staying at a different house than us, left me weepy. It couldn't have panned out like i had pictured it. I needed to adjust. But at least Tom understood my tears. And the WONDERFULL woman that we are living with is sooo welcoming and calming and understanding and great!!!!! She made us feel like all of our stuff in transition is not worrysome to her. She is amazing! I am so blessed by her kindness. Thank you God for her!!

continuting soon...

love you all!

joelle gosda-

We're Moving!

July 22nd we pack up the Uhaul, the 23rd we go! A few weeks ago the four of us went to New Haven and all the way there i was pretty nervous. Nervous that we wouldn't find a place to live, that things just wouldn't work out.. But we were still on Milwaukee Street in Madison and God told me that we were on His Heart. We finally arrived Friday night after a looong drive through NY rush hour traffic.. and when i saw Ken and gave him a hug, i was so fragile, i almost started crying. Just actually being there, meeting him, facing the possibilities for good or not.. pressures of meeting people, all came in a rush of choking emotion.

Saturday Tom and I got explore a little while Steph and Beau went to their Make Believe class. We met this wonderful and quirky free spirit Erica; who stole away with us in an echoy chapel and shared with us some of her journey w/ Make Believe.. She said that it is completely changed her life, it deconstructs you and then builds you back up. She said it is super hard for people who are in it to talk about it usually. Which i found out the hard when i cheerfully said to a group of people friday night, "Tom and I are thinking of doing the Make Believe course in the fall, what's it like?" It was like a bomb had gone off on the table. NOT ONE person responded.. it was like complete lock down, there was a huge pause, some of them just left the room! I have never been in such a socially awkward situation before in my whole life!

Erica explained that during the deconstruction of walls you put up for yourself, it is really hard to know how to talk about your experience.. Something tells me that i won't be so lost for words.. ha.

Sunday we were invited to join the group for the day's classes. Which was amazing. Definitely convinced Tom and I that this is the right move for us.. in personal growth and self-discovery.. At lunch this wonderfully kind, woman named Christina opened her home to us as a place to stay! She has a finished attic space open for rent. Kevin can come too! It is perfect, by the river, affordable, and already seems like a wonderful place to call home. Steph and Beau have another arrangement for living going on so they can have some space and privacy in their first year of being married. Which is awesome.

I feel blessed by God's goodness, and provision. i was reading in first john that there is NO fear in LOVE. i have been describing this whole thing as terrifying for so long.. and yes, it is new and scary.. but my worry meter has dialed down. God IS good, and even though crazy things happen, I am loved.

Jobs are still in the air so continue to pray for the right fits to come. Tom and Beau are painting restaurants at the moment until we go.. it is at night and that takes a toll of it's own.. on all of us.

We are having a Moving sale July 11th and 12th at our house..

and we are having a Goodbye Party on July 16th.. and there will be more details on when and where soon..i don't remember ha!

Love and Peace

Joelle-

gearing up for the big change

(written by joelle)

As Steph and Beau's wedding approaches we are trying to juggle getting all the things done for both the wedding and for moving prep.

i find that i am grieving more and more over some things.. like losing kyle last november. i keep having to remember that he isn't just out w/ friends, that he just hasn't arrived yet.. and when i see byron, oh man.. he looks so much like him these days, the way he moves, his frame, that guerra smile, the one you know means that they are up to something in their head. :) Man! i have to face this don't i? it seems too big for my heart. Just like facing the change of moving, obviously they are very different, but my jumbled heart feels it all at once in momentary distress. I'm terrified to move away. It is like having a constant dull pain in your chest. to cope i keep my emotions on low until i have an outburst of irrational and confused anger. Facing the magnitude of this change is terrifying, but good. but scary more than good at times, yikes. I'm afraid of losing things that make me feel safer here, having a great job, family close, knowing the city, knowing what to expect... i have no solid plans or safety nets out there, all i have is God, a husband (who is awesome and i am so blessed by in this process) and the martin's.. I have faith that i will be provided for, but it isn't a missions trip, this is my life! and what if? how? when? are all unanswerable at this time.. i know i know, as it should be.

gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith..

joelle-

Fair Friends are moving to Fair Haven!!

(written by Joelle Gosda)

Yes, it is true! Your friends Joelle, Tom, Stephanie, and Beau are all moving in the early fall to New Haven Connecticut. Our preferred neighborhood is Fair Haven in the South East side of the city. We are going to go for at least one year, maybe two, we will see how much time is needed to discover who we are and to walk freely in it. 

There are many reasons for this change of location, some i hinted at just now, another is that we are looking forward to having a "walk about" experience (as my dad put it). Not one of us has had the adventure of going away to college, and it finally feels like it is time. There is a great community in Connecticut that is all about encouraging each other's dreams.. they have "dream dinners" where people get around a table and listen to a person's dream. They give feedback, encouragement, and then they are able to encourage and purpose that dream along.. it sounds like such a great idea. Ken Janke is a friend of my dad's who offers a course called Make Believe. Steph and Beau have been in the class since January. It is one weekend a month and it is an intense personal discovery challenge to all the walls we set up for ourselves. Beau and Steph can write more about their experiences at Make Believe later on.. I'm still learning about it. Tom and I plan on taking the course when it is offered next. 

Here are some prayer requests we have:

$$ Make Believe has been costly for Steph and Beau to travel to every month, pray that lots of support comes in at our super fun art show/ fund raiser we are planning for the end of June.

(Moving expenses are a concern too)

Jobs, that they would pay well, be close, come quick, and be the right fit.

We will be living together somewhere in Fair Haven Ct. Pray that we get a good deal on an apartment close to some people we know..

That all the loose ends get worked out with peace and honor.

We are giving thanks for the blessing we have encountered so far with family and friends. 

For faith in our Provider to come through..

There is a lot more to say about it.. 

Just know that we are super excited!

Our hope for this blog is not only to fill our friends and family in on our journey, but to be a personal record of some things we will learn while we are away.. things we want to let change us.

Love and peace~

joelle.gosda@gmail.com